2009年7月20日星期一

Pain 2

I shouldn't think of her anymore.
But I couldn't forget her.
The thought that I will forget her at the end is painful.
I couldn't bear that.

Realistically, I would not meet her anymore.
But I keep daydreaming that I'll hold her hand.
Touch her face, kiss her forehead.
Don't be silly, I keep telling myself, you're the only one still daydreaming.
Yeah, that is the truth.
I'm like a animal that hibernates for years, wake up and find out everything changes except myself.
Everything, except me.

Everyone has a healthy psychological mechanism when facing the fate that couldn't be changed.
Denial, suffering, and finally acceptance.
But my psychological state remains at suffering, and it doesn't show any tendency that it will change.
Pain. Pain. Pain.
Pain is so permanent that I've used to it.
If one day I find out that I'm without pain, I'll be surprised.
Like breathing, my suffering is so natural that I've to concentrate to determine whether I'm suffering.

University life is starting soon, and I'll be pretty busy.
Which is a good news.
I don't have to look for something to do to distract myself anymore.
I hate being free, having nothing to do is giving your brain time to think, to recall.
Which will bring alive the heartbreaking memory.

Let dust be dust, sand be sand.
But once dust meets sand, nothing is the same anymore.

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